Chemical Nonsense

Some of the most profound and life changing experiences I’ve ever had happened on the couch in my living room. How do you word a feeling? One particularly memorable moment involved my guitar; I was sitting down stroking the body with tears streaming down my face muttering the same phrases over and over again. Can you describe a being? I had just finished tuning it but not in any way I’d ever done before; adjusting the peg one degree and listening intently, over and over again until it was just right. How can you describe a feeling? I noticed that sometimes the strings get a little stuck near the top of the neck, I tugged on each one individually, yanking it into place until the tone was just right. Can you word a being? Eventually, after what felt like an hour, I tried to play but couldn’t make a sound that summed up what I was feeling. Describe a being? Word a feeling? I gave up and just admired the wood, falling in love with every grain, every crack, every shade of color; the feeling was overpowering and I wept. I could get lost in it forever.

Everyone has defining experiences in their lives, some come from overcoming challenges while others from great sorrow. Why, wait, it doesn’t matter. This one changed me forever in ways I may never come to fully understand. Whatever, I’m happy. I remember walking in circles touching everything I passed and feeling equally touched by them. Ribbons flowing, people, ideas crossing in space and time. I would force illegible handwriting into a notebook believing I was approaching some profound truth. So close, so very close. At one point I felt capable of ending existence with a single committed thought. Self reference. To this day I don’t believe it is possible to describe in words the swirling thoughts and emotions of those hours. So this is what acid is like.



I have been very fortunate in my life, loving parents who have never struggled for money yet did their best to teach me its value. Trading places, paper for food. They raised me to question what I’m told and be open to new ideas. NO. My father’s job had us moving every few years, I’ve lived about a third of my life thus far in various underdeveloped and developing countries. False separation, boxes for boxes. This has given me a wider perspective than most people my age simply by having been immersed in various cultures. My sandbox is bigger than your sandbox. I do my best not to take it for granted but there are also many disadvantages to moving every few years. Humans, souls, where do they go, body and mind. For some time I struggled with why I should have all these things when so many die for want of water or food. Thus is life.

When I first moved away from home, beyond the sheltered trappings of dorm living and thousands of miles away from my family, I experienced the harsh realities of the world. Why why why why why why why why. I learned how many of the things I believed while growing up just weren’t true. Doublethinkers, newspeakers, soma addicts, pneumatic life; I am faulty machinery. Having your world view shatter is a terrifying and exhilarating experience yet unlearning what you know is the only way to replace a false belief. Memories, symbols for reality, metaphors upon metaphors. One of the most powerful lessons I learned were all the lies I had swallowed about drugs. I love everything.

In elementary school I had to go through the Drug Abuse Resistance Program. D.A.R.E. to believe what you’re told. Officer Friendly came to our classroom to talk about the dangers of drug use; we learned that drugs are addicting, they can hijack your life, and that you can be sent to jail for having them. My god, I’m criminally couch ridden. I’d never heard anything about drugs until that day but when I came home and asked if cocaine could kill a person who tried it once my mother became furious. Drugs are bad, mmkay. She told me that it was a gross exaggeration and that they left out one of the most important reasons people do drugs. They’re fun dammit. In school I was told what to believe but thankfully my parents wanted me to ask why. The good book says so.

Today I know much more; I know that alcohol is by far the most dangerous of all drugs yet also the most acceptable. Hypocrites everywhere, is that what it means to be human? For a year I smoked cannabis several times a day; it is almost harmless and now I appreciate art like never before yet it’s a schedule one substance. Breath smoke for fun, fucking brilliant. I danced like I’ve never danced before while on MDMA which has let me feel more comfortable moving to music. The rush, it’s coming!!! I’ve been engulfed in the emotions of others while on mushrooms and my empathy is stronger for it. The room has an energy, it flows through us all. Aside from the occasional drink the only drugs I use now are nicotine and caffeine yet I have no regrets whatsoever about the others. So where is my commercial?

Yet all of these drugs pale in comparison to the effects of LSD. Lets go on a journey, a trip, hahahaha. A person could read the bible a thousand times and come no closer to god, a few milligrams of this drug and suddenly they feel at one with creation. Oh, there you are. Most drugs have undeserved negative stigmas but acid definitely has the worst. Oh nothing, just popping bubbles. They say it drives people crazy or makes them jump off buildings, these stereotypes just aren’t true. If he thought he could fly why didn’t he start from the ground? It has helped me explore the deepest workings of my mind and know myself like never before. I feel, I know, I am.

One night I spoke to god. Yeah, that’s not really you. I was well aware that I was tripping, the visuals I had were about as powerful as what you see after glancing directly at the sun. The stars died so I could be here today. He took the form of George Carlin leaning over a wall smoking a cigarette. Well aren’t you just as cool as a cucumber. He never said anything, just gave me glances when I said something stupid or listened passively while I talked. You’ll never give us proof of your existence. I would speak and think out loud, trying to work out the tumultuous cascade of thoughts. Whatever man. It was powerful at the time, I look back on it now and it doesn’t mean much. You like burning ants. These experiences, while undoubtedly hallucinations, are still ripe with meaning. Metaphors, metaphors, metaphors.

The best way I can describe being on acid is a rather loose metaphor. Vessel of ideas, symbol manipulations. If your brain is a bucket and your thoughts are tetris blocks lying inside of it, LSD shakes the bucket. Listen and you might learn something. Thoughts bounce around and rearrange, some of the arrangements are completely insane but others make a scary amount of sense. There is nothing here. There is a danger though, if the bucket gets shaken too much things might fall out. Slowwwww downnnnnn. Not to say that you will go crazy but too much could take you places you don’t want to go, like a very unpleasant memory. I want to forget. There is immense value in looking at things from a new angle, that is the most fascinating effect of LSD. Wow.

I have also felt what it is like to be insane without actually crossing that line. Wait, no, hahaha. When thoughts rush at you without control and you have no way to block them out you are at the mercy of your subconscious. Wait, no, hahaha. After these experiences I found a new appreciation for my sober mind, the ability to direct my thoughts as I wish. Wait, no hahaha. Just like anything you might take for granted, you don’t realize its value until you know what life is like without it. Wait, no hahaha. Neitzsche said “When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Wait.

These experiences are far from clear cut; I have undoubtedly taken risks with such mind altering substances even without the potential legal consequences. Life without living is no life at all. Though it is hard to put my finger on exactly what I learned from trying out various drugs, there are a few definite things I can say. Nothing is certain. I am more comfortable in my own skin, I know that death is not something to be feared, and I know that the most powerful force in all of human existence is the bond between people. Vibrations in the mind of god, whose true name is love.

Back on the couch I found myself rooted to my seat and drifting away in a sea of thought. Symbols representing symbols. Some of the things I’d learned are floating in and out of my consciousness, others I could barely grasp for more than an instant. Imagination of myself. I knew that I wanted to write a song but I didn’t (and still don’t) know how, I’d never done it before and knew nothing about songwriting. So what? My guitar was lying across my lap, the taught strings on the neck and tantalizing curves of its body were taunting me with their simple beauty. (...) Suddenly a group of ideas appear in my mind; music is just emotion in vibration, an incomplete feeling expressed in words that are paired with a partial sound. Pretentious prick, what do you know of music?

After staring at the back of my guitar for long enough, I started to write in my notebook. Let if flow. The words poured onto paper; flowing strong in no particular direction and I felt better for it. Puddles of ink can move mountains. When I read them the next day some made sense and some didn’t but I vividly remember the emotion they were attached to. Vibrations of feeling. Eventually I rewrote those lyrics and rewrote the tune to them. It’s coming clear, slowly. Those first words were the earliest ones I’d been proud of, the first of any creative work which I felt had any merit. The sound of life. I’ve since written much more, some good and some bad but that’s how these things go. And that’s ok. I know for certain that those hours I spent mumbling to myself changed the direction of my life. It doesn’t matter. I write and play music when I have no other outlet, it clears my head and eases my worries in a way nothing else ever has. My peace and great reprieve. Without the confidence I found sifting through all that chemical nonsense, I would likely be living without the greatest comfort of my life. Oh wait, I forgot, I don’t exist.